What is Surrendering the One-up
Relationship?
Surrendering the one up relationship is the key to motivating the difficult to reach student. It involves the following:
- Communicating to all your students that they have value and worth because of who they are, not because of their accomplishments or failures.
- Acknowledging to students that they are the experts on their own lives.
- Consistently looking at the positive attributes of your students.
The key to creating change doesn’t lie in interventions alone, but much more so in the relationship you establish with students. One major barrier to facilitating a motivational and supportive relationship with students is the presence of a “one-up” relationship.
What is the “one-up” relationship? You may have observed in your own conversations and relationships that one person is often “one-up” on the other or predominantly in control. For example, have you ever had a conversation with a teacher, a mentor, or someone who is an expert at a subject that you are just beginning to learn? When you discuss that subject, you feel that they have the advantage because of their expertise and knowledge, whereas you are just beginning to learn the basics. They are “one-up” on you and are often in control of the conversation.
Students often find themselves “one-down” in relationships with adults who have control in their lives. Often, when a student sees an adult as “one-up” (or in control) of the relationship, then they feel unimportant, or that what they want or think doesn’t matter. Students feel that their ability to act for themselves is taken away. As a result, they have little motivation to make a change and are less likely to establish a trusting relationship with that person. When you as a counselor, teacher or therapist surrender
the “one-up” relationship, you are showing to students that they have great value and worth as human beings. You show them that what they think is important. You
give up the role of the authority figure and share it with students. You help them to see that they are the authority on themselves. You let them know that you believe in them and their potential. You demonstrate that you merely want to help them, but ultimately they are in control of their own lives. Remember the goal here is not solely to teach but to tap into motivation. We have found that the most effective thing you can do to
motivate students and build a trusting relationship is to surrender the “one-up.”